Will you be my death buddy?

No, I don’t have a death wish and I am not looking for a death buddy. I hope and expect to live for many years to come.

I love PostSecret.  Every Sunday morning, I go and read the new entries. It’s a tad voyeuristic but I like to go and see what people have to say about other people and themselves.

Today, I read an entry where the someone explains that their biggest fear is to die alone, so (s)he befriends the person in the next seat and wants to believe that person will become his/her death buddy.

I suddenly thought about all the times I would fly by myself and would have someone try to start a conversation with me and how I would find a way to seem very intensely interested in my reading or whatever I was listening to, just to avoid having to get in an endless conversation. What if that person was genuinely scared of flying and was trying to find some comfort in someone that was secure enough to endure the flight without being scared? I guess I will never know now.

Next time I’ll fly alone, I’ll try to be a little more compassionate to the person sitting next to me. After all, (s)he could be my death buddy too…

Till then…

Out so early? But why?

Yes, my friends, I am out of the house so early on a Saturday morning. Actually, I was out much earlier taking care of some calls since I am still on-call until Monday morning. 3 easy ones and a good way to start the day.  I don’t expect the day to be as relax as it is so far but c’est la vie!

I would usually be sitting at Panera, having a sumptuous breakfast but I opted for the cafeteria. I am at one of our smallest locations and it is pretty quiet, so it is not surprising either that there is nothing really to eat but at least I get free, fast Wi-Fi which is better than the throttled access at Panera.  That reminded me that I have to download something so I am doing it while writing this.

Things have been hectic this week, which is normal considering I was taking care of the daily emergencies at my site and being on-call for the whole district . Some things have been implemented and others changed so it takes a little time getting used and adjusted to everything. But I am not complaining since I have the chance to be working and getting paid for my efforts. Things look scarier and scarier every day and even if things seems ok so far whether it is for me or the SU work-wise, things can change so fast.

I started to write a post last night/this morning and I am glad I am using WordPress. I did not save what I was writing but it was saved as a draft and when I went back to it this morning, I saw what a pile of crap it was that I deleted it without any hesitation. Blogging drunk or extremely tired is really not recommended seeing all the stupid things one can think and write about. Not that I would have gotten into any trouble, but it would have come across very wrong. So I got to avoid an embarrassing post and any repercussions.

It is a beautiful day and I am so close to the beach. I really didn’t think about it when I left home this morning because I could have brought a towel with me and go run naked on the beach. Ok, scrap that. I can see it and it does not look pretty!

With everything going on lately, I have not really thought about our taxes. April is just around the corner and I have lots of things to take care before April 1st. I also have to think about the kids’ passports, not really because I am planning to go anywhere but because their mother wants to take them to see her family back home. And if she wants to take them for the Easter break, it’s going to be a really close call.

Nothing is really happening and I don’t really want to go home if I have to come back here or go to another location. And as nice as it is here, I don’t see myself spending my whole day here.

Anyway, have a great weekend!

Till then…

Kryptonite

Although my daughter kept talking about it since last week and even did again last night, I did not understand why so many people were wearing green today. And then I saw Jeff with a green hat on his head and remembered that it’s St. Patrick’s Day.

Green is my kryptonite color, so for me to wear all green or some green is asking me a lot.

And I can’t even hold a beer tonight since I am on call…

But, enjoy your day!

Till then…

I guess there are things that will never change…

Well, maybe a few. It’s Sunday morning and I am sitting at my favorite table at Panera. The last few times I was here, I had to settle for a smaller table but this time I guess I was here early enough to go straight to the table and spread out. That is a change because I am usually here on Saturdays but I absolutely needed to leave the house this morning and this was the perfect place to go.

Things had been kinda warming up with the SU lately. Although I am sure she absolutely loved it and felt like it was old times, I can’t say I shared the same feelings. Yes, it was nice to have an ersatz of a relationship and of a family life. At least the kids seemed happy to see us doing things together.

One thing that I cannot understand is how, when things are going good between us, she loses all common sense and becomes sloppy. It’s almost like her brain becomes mush and she pays no attention to serious matters that in the end kicks us in the butt hard. And that’s when things begin to change. In the few days that things were cool, I had to really talk to her and understand the why of her actions. She, herself has no vaild answers for her actions. Sheesh.

A few days ago, a friend talked about something silly that was going around on the Net. I sent the SU the link to the site and she (supposedly) never got the message. I grabbed her iTouch and went to the website so she could read about it. Right off the bat, she seemed annoyed by the whole thing and after a lot of teasing, she agreed to take care of half of the issue. I figured it was on a Saturday, it could have been fun and a change from our regular routine.

Yesterday afternoon, I stayed home with my son since my daughter was invited to a birthday party and I did not want to go or take her. I went to a party once just with my daughter and it was so awkward since I barely knew anybody there and it got stale having to answer the same question over and over as to where was the wife. So it was a boys’ afternoon home and we played and watched TV and just enjoyed being together.

A few minutes past 6:30, the girls came home but I could feel how the SU was pissed off. My daughter wanted to stay with her friends but the party was until 6:30 and even if there were people still there, we had to explain to the little one that it was not polite to overextend their stay. And all that was done while I was feeding the baby. Things got a little calmer but by 7:30 the baby was getting fussy because it was time for his bottle. The SU took him and gave him his bottle then took him upstairs to get him ready for bed. I was watching TV and reading stuff on my laptop and my daughter was playing on her laptop when the SU came down and started yelling and bitching because the daughter was playing, that she didn’t have dinner, that I have to take the daughter to bed, that the TV was too loud and that she had to take care of the other business. And that threw me in a rage. She made it sound like it was such a painful and terrible chore that I told her to forget about the whole thing and left her. I took care of my daughter and went to sleep.

I am glad that it happened that way because I would have really hated it to have to see her not put her heart into it and ruin the whole thing. I also know now that when she will come begging for a favor like she did a few weeks ago, how to handle the situation.

I wasn’t going to write about this but as I was sitting down, having my breakfast and looking at people, well, women walking around and seeing how I am more attracted to older women compared to younger ones. Is it because I am experiencing everything that I am right now or is it because I am not old enough to be really attracted to younger women? I am not living my mid-life crisis yet, or so I want to believe so maybe that’s an answer to a question. Or maybe I have not lived with an older woman and gone through some of those pains to know with what age group I would feel better.

And next month, we’re reaching our 10th wedding anniversary. That will most definitely be interesting to see!

I didn’t want to wear a long-sleeved top for fear of it being too hot outside but one thing is for sure is that it is freezing again in here. I am going to see if I can tough it out for a while. If not, I guess I’ll have to get out of here and go somewhere else.

Enjoy your Sunday and your significant other.

Till then…

Out of sight, out of mind

By a very weird coincidence, I “lost” two people very close to me at about the same time. One moved to another department; the other decided to put a certain distance between us. We are still in touch but it is not at all what it used to be. I miss hearing the peculiar chime on my phone every morning announcing a new message. I miss the morning greeting and the little tidbits about our lives and going for coffee together. There are so many things that are no more and yet we still enjoy talking to each other but it’s like the silences are taking over. A day may go by without getting a message. Two days may go by before one travels to the other’s floor.

Is it really out of sight, out of mind?

Till then…

This gets my vote!

My friend Kate had a great post about a new holiday.

Steak and blow job day

I am all for it! And it is happening this “coming” Saturday…

Till then…

I am not talking to you

It seems it has become dangerous to work with others these days.

A guy with a grudge went on a killing rampage yesterday in Alabama. He  needed to get even, so the best way he had was to get a gun and start shooting people. Just like that. Because he was mad. Because he felt he had the right to inflict grief and pain to people totally innocent to his aggravation. Putting so many people at a loss for years, scaring them for life, just because he could not take criticism. How many times a day, a week , a year we have to hear from our supervisors, our bosses, our colleagues, other people about something we are doing wrong? How many times do we feel hurt or offended because of a word, a sentence, a tone of voice? Do we feel the need to go and shoot everybody up? Whatever happened to “constructive criticism”?

So it is not bad enough that we have to deal with our problems at work, at home and in general that we have now to be careful with the people we work with? Do we have to watch everything we say, weigh every single word that comes out of our mouths by fear of having some deranged individual show up one day at our workplaces with weapons who will shoot at will? And it doesn’t even seem to be enough anyway since innocent people end up being killed anyway…

I don’t care if the shooter takes their own life after their act. Actually, they should start that way. Take their own life so dozens of people will not have to have that bitterness in their hearts for years to come.

We’re living in some very sick times…

Till then…

The cold, hard truth

As I was walking in the cool early morning from the parking garage to my building, I was thinking about my great-aunt and my sibilings. It was still thoughts from things that came back to my mind this morning and that brought back some upsetting memories.

I was thinking about how little my great-aunt’s death has affected me. As I have said before, it was expected since she was already 91 and her condition was not going to get better anyway. And then I thought of my sisters and brother who are all back home while I am the only one out of the country and it has been so for the past decade. And yes, I left because the wife was from a different country and I did not think she could adapt there. In fact, I was more than ripe to get out of there, not only because of the economy but also being tired of all the fussing and fighting between brothers and sisters. As far as I can remember, I cannot think of us as being close, loving siblings. There was and still is some kind of feud going on between us. And although I never made it to Hawaii to put enough distance between me and them as I wanted since the very beginning, the distance between us is adequate enough. I don’t get to be bothered either with unanounced visits or repeated calls. They live their life and I live mine, although it seems I have the ability to send my brother into fits of rage without me being there or even talking to him…

My mother used to be terribly affected by this animosity between her children, until she was faced to the nasty ungratefulness of some of them. I find it incredible that people that are grown-ups cannot understand the situation and stop blaming their mother for everything that went wrong in their lives. Sure, I don’t think as my mother as being a saint but I have long understood that she had no choices and no voice and the only thing she could do was to follow whatever was decided for her. It was not like today where a 10-year old will call the police on their parents because they yelled at him for being such a lazy ass. Back then, it was “shut up and do what I say”. No, but it is easy to be a bully and pick on the weakest one. But yet as adults, they have no direction, nothing to account for except for their children. I see how different my life is from theirs and they think I have it made when I have to work damn hard to have the lifestyle I have and when they are still living as if they were young adults thinking they have all the time in the world.

When my mother was here with me a couple of weeks ago, I told her how sad I was not to have been back home in 5 years. She did tell me not to expect much and now I know what she means. I feel sorry for the kids, mine and theirs, who have to live apart and will keep growing knowing of each other through pictures exchanged through our mother.

So I guess I have come to the conclusion that this is the best solution. I’ll remain here because I do not see in any case how I could move back there and I have a hard time seeing them move here and start a new life.

And one thing I really wish is that they stop mixing my name in all their lame stories.

Till then…

I eat cannibals

My wife got me an XM radio for my birthday. She had it in her car and we all got hooked to the thing thanks to the very eclectic choices and little to almost no dumb advertising. It is also great because I don’t have the same problems as with my iPod, trying to figure out what the heck do I want to listen to. With the radio, I choose whatever I am in the mood for and avanti!

This morning, as I get off the highway, I tuned in to the ’80s channel and Prince was partying like it was “1999″ and then I see the title of the next song and I remembered vaguely how it went and I was right. It was a 1983(!) song by Total Coelo, “I Eat Cannibals”. Yes, it felt strange and yes I really felt that old…

In other news, today is my great-aunt’s funeral. I thought she would be cremated but it will not be the case.

Thinking about it in retrospect, we all predicted that she would end up dying alone and it was really the case. She had successfully managed to alienate family and friends and did not have a close person there to hold her hand in the very last instants of her life. I have thought of this since learning of her death and it’s the only thing that really bothers me a bit. And I know many a tongue will be and have been wagging because of my absence. Let them eat cake.

I am typing this from my phone and I don’t really have time to make it all pretty so I will do it tonight if necessary. In the meantime, have a great day!

Till then…

One of many?

Last year, I feared several times I would have to go to a few funerals. My uncle had cancer but was successfully treated. An aunt had heart issues but is doing much, much better after getting a pacemaker. In the end, nothing happened and I didn’t have to travel anywhere.

As I spoke with my cousin for my birthday, we were talking about the family and everybody is still doing fine so I did not think about my fears from last year, amazed to see how resilient the uncle and aunts are.

Last night, I took care of my daughter but for once, I did not have my phone close by as usual. I even spent extra time with her, reading her another book and talking with her afterwards. I went downstairs and watched a movie while checking e-mails and blogs and even played on the Wii, never thinking to check my phone.

As I finally picked up the phone, I saw there was a message waiting. It was from my mother and the first sentence she wanted to know how was my first day back at work. The second one was to let me know her aunt died earlier in the evening. It was strange because I had mixed feelings, the most important one was a little guilt because I did not feel pain or sadness. It was way too late to call my mother, so I replied to her message saying I would call her first thing in the morning.

I told the wife about it and she shed a tear while I was still looking deep inside what I was feeling really. Now it was not really a surprise, considering she was suffering from Alzheimer’s for years but also because she was 91 so it was mostly a question of time. And for years, I kept asking me that question. How would I feel/react when I would learn about her death? And the answer is: not quite different of what I had in mind.

Now I know I sound like a cold-hearted SOB but I saw how that woman made everybody in the family miserable at one point or two in our lives. Yes, she was my mother’s aunt and she raised my mother when her parents died and then raised us when my father died. She never had kids of her own but she spent her life raising other people’s kids and made sure we would be miserable, especially when we would get romantically involved with someone. It didn’t matter who it was, whether the kids or my mother, she always had the chic to get under everybody’s skin, bad talking us behind our backs and it was way later that we would find out what had happened.

She loved money. She made lots of money when she decided to move and open a restaurant on a then-unknown island called St. Barths. My brother and sisters have tons of tales of the hours they had to work when they would be on vacation from school. Imagine all that cheap labor available! Her megalomania caused her financial demise when she decided to open a restaurant in her hometown but it was a financial suicide since it was far from everything and she saw way too big. Actually, that’s when the first signs of her illness appeared. The building’s destruction to hurricane Hugo was the last blow. By then I had pulled myself out of that quagmire and my mother stepped in. What a mistake that was. She was too proud to listen to the advice of professionals and even prouder to declare bankruptcy. And now we have to deal with all that when she spent the last dozen of her years in another world.

Am I bitter? Yes, but at least now things are looking brighter. She is in a better place now and most of the obstacles to a solution to all the mess she left behind will be lifted. And since my grand-parents only had a daughter (my mother) and her aunt never had kids, that means that the last branch in the family tree is my mother. After she passes, that’s it.

I did call my mother before going to work and she was ok. I did ask her if she wanted me to come but she told me she did not even entertain that idea and that I did not have to travel. She is right now talking and planning the funeral and she should get back to me later today.

So, will this be the first of many for the year?

Till then….